In a world that often measures worth by achievements, appearances, or approval, it’s easy to forget a profound truth: You are not your thoughts, your emotions, or even your actions. You are the awareness behind them. This distinction between essence (who you are) and behaviour (what you do) can transform the way you view yourself and your relationships.

The Nature of Essence

Your essence is constant. It’s the unchanging consciousness that observes your thoughts, feelings, and actions. It’s who you are at your core—valuable and worthy, regardless of external circumstances or mistakes. As Brené Brown writes in The Gifts of Imperfection (2010), “You are imperfect, you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.” Your worth is not something you earn; it simply exists.

Dr. Gabor Maté, in The Myth of Normal (2022), builds on this by explaining how societal pressures disconnect us from our essence. He writes, “The core wounds we experience are not about our essence but about our loss of connection to it.” Reconnecting with this essence is key to healing and understanding ourselves.

The Impact of Behaviour

While essence is constant, behaviour is relational. As humans, we interact with others, and our actions inevitably have consequences. This is where personal growth comes in. Your essence is always worthy of love and acceptance, but your behaviour is where improvement happens, shaping your relationships and experiences.

Approval vs. Fulfilment: Doing Mode vs. Being Mode

Many of us live in doing mode, seeking approval or validation through our actions. In this state, our worth feels tied to external outcomes: success, praise, or recognition. Brené Brown describes this as the “hustle for worthiness” in Daring Greatly (2012), where we work tirelessly for external validation, only to feel more disconnected from our true selves.

In contrast, being mode arises when the act itself becomes the reward. Here, we are aligned with our essence, fully present and engaged in what we’re doing. Instead of seeking approval, we act from a place of fulfilment and authenticity. Dr. Maté echoes this sentiment, highlighting that “Healing comes when we are able to live in alignment with our true selves, unburdened by the need to please others or prove our worth.”

Balancing Essence and Behaviour

1. Honour Your Essence
   Start by recognising your unchanging worth. Practice self-compassion and remind yourself that your value isn’t tied to your actions or others’ opinions. As Brown highlights in The Gifts of Imperfection: “Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.”
2. Evaluate Your Behaviour
   Reflect on how your actions impact your relationships and outcomes. Are they aligned with your values? Are you in doing mode, chasing approval, or being mode, finding fulfilment in the moment?
3. Cultivate Self-Love
   If you haven’t experienced love that honours your essence, it’s time to give it to yourself. This foundation of self-acceptance will make it easier to grow and improve your behaviour without self-judgment.

The Interplay of Essence and Behaviour

While your essence remains unchanged, your behaviour is where growth and transformation occur. Strive for balance: embrace your intrinsic worth while continuously working to align your actions with your highest self. This harmony allows for deeper connections and a more fulfilling life.

As Eckhart Tolle reminds us in The Power of Now (1997):
“When you become conscious of Being, what you do is infused with a quality of care and love—even the most simple action.”

In essence, live from your core and let your actions flow naturally—not for approval, but for the joy of the act itself.

References:

• Brown, Brené. The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are, Hazelden Publishing, 2010.
• Brown, Brené. Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead, Gotham Books, 2012.
• Maté, Gabor. The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness, and Healing in a Toxic Culture, Avery, 2022.
• Tolle, Eckhart. The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment, Namaste Publishing, 1997.